


Dear Severus

by immortalje



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Implied Mpreg, Implied Past Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-27
Updated: 2004-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:57:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalje/pseuds/immortalje
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry sends Severus a letter to let him know that he wasn't at fault for joining Voldemort, events are set into motion that see Severus decide for one side in the war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Severus

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone. They all belong to JK Rowling.  
> AN: I would like to thank my Beta Reader Myk.

Dear Severus,

I hope you don't blame yourself for my choice to ally myself with Voldemort. It had nothing to do with you. You can rather blame Albus Dumbledore and the situation I had been in. There hadn't been another way out since the old fool had declined to help me.

My relatives hate magic and everything that has something to do with it. Therefore they hated me. I had to grow up in the cupboard under the stairs until I was eleven years old. They starved and beat me. They never told me that I was a wizard. They even went as far as telling me that my parents died in a car crash and that they were drunks. All I had ever heard was that I was as useless as my parents. Everything bad that happened was blamed on me.

Things changed when I got my first Hogwarts letter. It was addressed to me and clearly stated 'The Cupboard under The Stairs'. After that, I got Dudley's second bedroom. The beatings stopped for then, but not the torment.

I thought of Hogwarts as my home, and I looked up to Dumbledore for what he achieved. I wanted the love he seemed to have for me. Back then I didn't realize that he was only manipulating me. Had I listened to the sorting hat, and let it sort me into Slytherin, I most likely wouldn't have hoped that I only misunderstood him, that he didn't want to control me and use me as a tool. I wouldn't have trusted him as much as I did had I known his true nature. I never trusted him fully, but I placed my trust in him to protect me. Yet, he sent me back to the Dursley's at the end of my 6th year. Although I had given him plenty of reasons why I shouldn't go. I tried everything, Poppy even broke her promise to me and told him something in the hope that it would help to change his mind. In the end, it was what happened this past summer that caused me to decide to join Voldemort. He and his Death Eater didn't expect me to be someone I'm not. I finally could be myself.

I never told Dumbledore about my abilities. He would have been rather surprised had he known. I also wish him fun trying to figure out what I'm able to do.

I know that he forced you to end the relationship we had. I knew it when I left Hogwarts. At that time, I had at least one reason to continue the fight against Voldemort. You see, some time after you broke up with me, I started to feel unwell. When I went to Poppy, she told me that I was pregnant. I didn't know what to think. I had something of you that would stay in my life, but at the same time I wanted to be a family. Together with you. I started to read about male pregnancies. There are only two ways for a wizard to get pregnant, and at that time, I still thought you had planned it all. That is, until I found out what the old fool did. Then I knew what I had always thought, believed even. We are soul mates. That is why it hurt so much to be separated from you by Dumbledore's manipulations.

Poppy told Dumbledore of my pregnancy because I told her about my cousin's diet that I had to participate in as well. I later found out that they stopped his diet, but not mine. I received nothing to eat for days at a time.

I asked Dumbledore for training to be prepared to fight Voldemort. I told him that I didn't want to endanger my relatives. I told him that they hated me. At that time, I didn't know that my uncle would find out that I'm gay. Still, nothing I told him, on my behalf, allowed me any leniency. I had told Hermione and Ron that I was gay. That was the day our friendship ended. When we arrived in London Ron called me a fag. Unfortunately, my uncle heard, and now I'm even more abnormal than only being a wizard in his eyes. I'm a freak of nature to them.

The reason he had waited for ever since I got my Hogwarts letter. He started the beatings again. A short time before Voldemort came, he beat me hard enough to break the protection charms on the baby. I felt how I miscarried. I had no reason left to fight, let alone to live. I started to cut myself again, something I had stopped doing when I started Hogwarts. The day Voldemort came, he caught me cutting. You know what he did? He took the knife away from me and told me he'd help me through it. My uncle wanted to force me to drink something that would make me completely blind. Instead of drinking it, it spilled over my eye. He figured that without my eyesight, my abnormality would just go away. This happened right before Voldemort found me cutting myself. I hide my left eye with a glamour now. It's not pleasant to look at. You should have seen Voldemort's face when he realized that my childhood had been as bad as his own, if not even worse.

There was something else I started to wonder about. When we told Dumbledore that Sirius was innocent, he had believed us immediately. He should have at least been a little sceptical. Except he already seemed to know that it was the truth. Yet, he didn't go to the Ministry to tell them of Sirius' innocence. Instead, he let people continue to believe him a criminal. But I would have been thankful to him for saving me from spending time with my relatives. The reason he didn't do this was that it didn't fit into his plan. He might be powerful, he might be needed to organize the war for the side of light, but without him it would never have started. I spoke with Voldemort about his past, and of Dumbledore's manipulations. He became a Dark Lord because of Dumbledore, because the old fool wanted to control him as well.

He has to learn that he doesn't have the right to control other people, especially when they are as strong as we are. All I ever wanted was to be normal. You were the only person that ever allowed me to be normal. I hope you can forgive me for betraying you, but I wanted to live. I want to tell the world about what Dumbledore has done.

And before I forget it, tell Poppy that she is forgiven for telling Dumbledore. It only shows how little he actually cares about me.

Love,

Harry Potter


	2. Dear Severus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus confronts Albus.

After I read the letter a few times, I went to Albus to confront him. I watched him while he read Harry's letter and waited for his reaction. Either his face didn't betray his emotions, or he wasn't affronted by Harry's accusations, although his eyes seemed to betray his anger. As if he was a small boy who lost his favourite toy. Maybe Harry had been right. After all, why would he send Harry to his relatives when he could learn more ways to defend himself against Voldemort, and hopefully defeat him, if he stayed with a magical family? Why would he say no? It could have meant Harry's life! It's not as if Harry never told anybody about the abuse.   
'Am I only a tool to him as well? I do for him what he wants me to do. I can't say no to him. I never wanted to spy on Voldemort again knowing the price I would have pay in order to gain his trust back. I told Albus, and yet he still sent me out to spy again. He hadn't seem too surprised either when Voldemort had appeared again. He had known about the possibility. Would he have left me to rot in Azkaban had he known that the Dark Lord couldn't come back?'

"It's a pity that Harry thinks that I left him with his relatives because I wanted to control him. He simply was safer there," Albus said, interrupting Severus' thoughts, "His safety kept the wards up."

Severus would have laughed had it not been this serious. Either Albus Dumbledore was completely naive, or he knew what went on and didn't want to admit his ulterior motives and if there was one thing that Albus Dumbledore wasn't, it was naive.

"That is why Voldemort managed to break the wards around the house and remove Harry from the Dursley's care, without anybody noticing until the start of term? Somehow I can't believe that. And I have to give him credit about Black. You believed in his innocence the moment you were told. You must have known about the possibility before that! So why did you let the Ministry send an innocent man to Azkaban without a trial? Would you have sent me to Azkaban as well had you known that Voldemort was defeated for good and couldn't return? I believe you were also the one that talked Remus out of asking to be allowed to take care of Harry. He could have stayed at Hogwarts with Minerva, who actually is his godmother, during the full moon," Severus said, accusing the man he had respected at one point in time.

Severus couldn't identify the look Albus gave him when he said, "Severus, it was better the way it was. What do you think the wizarding community would have said had I let their saviour stay with a werewolf?"

"And what about Minerva?" Severus said, countering the Headmaster's argument, "She is his godmother! I know you talked her out of even telling him that! Albus, he went through more than anyone else his age, Hell, not even I went through as much as he did! And I'm twice his age! You only sat back and watched. And what about his pregnancy? He was already thinner than anyone his age should be! He needed all the food he could get, and yet he had to participate in some non-existent diet that his cousin had been on! Why did you still send him back to those people? You knew that they despise magic. I was there when Lily told you about Petunia's aversion to magic all those years ago! You're either naive, or you planned it that way. And your everything but naive!" Severus said angrily.

Albus sighed, apparently he didn't know how he could convince Severus otherwise. "It was all for his best, Severus. His fame would have blinded him. He..."

"He would have had someone he could have confided in. He shouldn't have had to join Voldemort to be able to do that. You wanted him to have nobody to confide in. You wanted him to confide in only you. So you could decide when to help him and when not, that he would be willing to fight for you. I wonder how you ever got sorted into Gryffindor! You're even worse than Voldemort, recruiting children to fight for you in the war. Voldemort is at least decent enough to wait until they finish school, but you already recruit them while they're still learning. You use their insecurities while they attempt to find their place in the world. I can't believe that I ever thought that you would be better than Voldemort! While Voldemort kills them, they know what will happen! But you, you send them to their deaths without them even knowing. Very Slytherin of you, but Harry saw through your facade," Severus said.

Albus started another attempt to defend himself and said, "Severus, why would I do something like that? Harry is like a grandson to me. I would never wish him any harm..."

"You wouldn't wish him any harm? Ha! He nearly died at the hands of his uncle, he disappeared and was gone for nearly a month, and you didn't even know about it! You might not wish him any harm, so that he can fight for you, but you're doing nothing against him being harmed. It could be useful, after all, and don't you dare tell me that you don't think that way. Harry is proof enough of that. You don't care if he led a more difficult life than Voldemort, as long as he remained loyal to you! The only thing you mourn is one soldier less in your ranks. You think you could replace him. Let me tell you one thing, Albus, you can't replace him! When the wizarding community realizes that he joined Voldemort, they will lose hope. They won't fight a fight they think they can't win. And that is what they will do. Also, you can't hide forever that Harry became Voldemort's ally because of you. They will eventually find out, and when they find out, they will also find out the exact reasons why Harry joined the Dark Lord. Your popularity will plummet. You played with fire and got burnt," Severus said, interrupting Albus once again.

With a stern face, Albus said, "Severus, I ask you to think about what you say. You should..."

"You should listen to yourself! You're pathetic! I'm gone! I quit! I don't want to work for someone that hurt the only person I have ever loved more than my life in such a way. I wish you good luck in finding a new Potions teacher, as well as a new Head of Slytherin," with this said, Severus left the Headmaster's office and went to pack his belongings.

In the evening of that same day, Severus arrived at Riddle Manor. He knew that Voldemort at least suspected him as a spy, he just didn't know whether Harry had informed him of that. He hoped that the Dark Lord would give him another chance. Maybe he could make a deal. Although, he still hated killing and most especially torturing. Maybe he could convince him that his skills would be better used in making potions to help with torture, or potions, like Veritaserum, that forced someone to tell the truth...


	3. For Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus rejoins Voldemort, no mater the consequences, for Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I lost contact with my beta therefore this chapter and the following one is NOT beta read. So sorry for any mistakes I overlooked.  
> A/N 2: I am not satisfied with the flow of this chapter.

Tom Riddle watched the man kneeling in front of him. He could practically feel the fright the man projected. Fear for his life. Severus Snape had come back again, although he must have known that his position as a spy for Dumbledore had been revealed. So why did he return?

"Tell me, Severus, why should I believe that you are willing to rejoin my forces and did you think that it would be that easy and painless? You already betrayed the cause once. Who tells me that you won't do it again and most importantly why should I believe you? Why should I trust you? How did you plan to convince me of your sincerity?" Voldemort said.

He watched the Potion Master in front of him. He watched as he straightened up and directed his focus on his former master.

Tom could see the tension in the eyes of the man. Fear of the punishment for his betrayal and determination. He was curious what Severus had to say to convince him of his return. He could see the man prepare himself for his speech. He could see the structure of the man's defence build. He never ceased to be amazed at Severus' self control. While he did know everything about his other followers Severus Snape had stayed a mystery to him. He prided himself to know the motives behind everyone. Even the ones behind Lucius Malfoy, but every time he thought he had finally figured out the motives behind the man in front of him the Potion Master did something that didn't fit. For a short moment he thought that maybe Harry Potter knew the motives of Severus Snape, but he doubted that the boy would ever tell him. He had learned what it meant to keep secrets and why they were important. It could give one advantages and the example of his parents' death showed that you could never be sure who might be a spy.

Severus had composed himself in the meantime and started to defend himself, the only thing that stood between him and his death.

"I couldn't stand to watch children and other bystanders in this war getting tortured and killed. I hated it even more doing it myself and I still do. Back than I didn't realise that you might have other uses for me. That's why I went to Dumbledore. I didn't realise that it wouldn't change things. I didn't realise that Dumbledore would be able to manipulate me into believing everything he told me. He used my guilt to make me do things I never wanted to do. I got a letter from Harry earlier today. It made me realise that Dumbledore only used me. It led me to believe that he must have known that you weren't truly defeated and he would need a spy again. Had he believed that you weren't able to return he most probably would have left me to rot in Azkaban. Please forgive me for being so blind. I know that Harry doesn't like torture much and that made me think that I should have talked with you about my hate of the torturing sessions. It made me realise that I still could have served you without watching or even taking part in the torture. I have come to ask you for forgiveness for my blindness. I realised in how many ways I could serve you without having to watch how someone gets tortured. I don't fear to use torture to get to information that would be useful since the person knows about the risk and have done their share of crimes in the war. I also could brew every potion you need and I could research old potions long forgotten or create new ones. I would be willing to do the same with curses, hexes and charms that might be useful to you. I could help you to prepare the newly initiated Death Eaters in the rules and strategy needed for the raids. Had I realised all of these things before I broke your trust in me I surely would have never gone to Dumbledore. "I will never betray you as long as Harry is on your side. And he realised that the wizarding world needs to be changed. Something you always had in mind. I could never fight against Harry. He made me realise that even the so called side of Light kills and tortures those they believe to be against them and even those they want to recruit for their fight. I was too blinded by my guilt and Dumbledore, who only made me feel even more guilty, to realise my mistake. It took me until Harry's letter to see how wrong I was."

'Now that he mentions it he always showed some reluctance to go to the torture sessions as he so nicely calls them. Maybe I should have paid more attention. Why does he have to have a point in his defiance? Who allowed him to make sense?' Tom Riddle thought a little disappointed.

His disappointment quickly turned into glee when he realised that he still could punish the Potions Master while still being able to let him rejoin his forces. He did betray him and that was a good reason for punishment and he also seemed sincere enough about wanting to rejoin. And he could need someone willing to do research. It gave an advantage to use spells and potions either forgotten or newly invented. The enemy wasn't prepared for them. Although Harry already worked on it, he didn't exactly finish school. And two persons researching would be useful. It brought new ideas and point of views that one alone didn't think about which would speed up the research. And he did know that Harry missed his soul mate. 'He feels guilty for betraying Severus. It definitely would make him more enthusiastic and he would have someone else besides me he would be willing to let in on the torture of his so called relatives. After all you couldn't call them innocent.'

Tom Riddle didn't believe that the Potions Master would mind torturing them much after what they had done to his soul mate, but first his punishment for his betrayal.


	4. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus surprises Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Not beta read yet and my mother tongue still isn't English and I never had to use the dictionary as often as this time. I just couldn't find the words I wanted to use. So sorry for all mistakes I overlooked.  
> AN2: The first time ever I wrote two men getting it on, so be nice...

Severus stood in front of the door unsure whether he should knock or just enter. He knew that 'his Harry' was in there. Voldemort had told him so and why shouldn't he believe him? In his time as a loyal follower and later on as a spy he had learned that the Dark Lord knew where all of his minions were. It didn't bode well for someone who wanted to conquer the world to not know where his people where after all. Not knowing was deadly, no matter whether it was an ally, an actual follower or even the enemy.

While watching the door as if it would do something unexpected any second, Severus started to wonder about Harry's reaction. Would he be happy to see him? Or would he... 'No, he will be happy to see me. He might not have asked me to rejoin Voldemort and come to him, but he loved me enough to say sorry!' Severus interrupted his line of thought.

With this in mind Severus used all the courage that he possessed and opened the door.

The sight that greeted him was breathtaking. Harry lay on his stomach with his feet in the air, reading a book. The once turned spy watched this beauty for a long time, thinking once again about what he should do next. After some time he made a decision and simply said, "Harry"

~***~

Harry felt someone enter the room and since it wasn't the Dark Lord, or Tom as he called him in private, he decided to continue reading the book. The person at the door would have to tell him what he wanted. He started to become curious when the person didn't say anything for some time, but before he could turn around and ask what whoever was standing in the door wanted he heard his name being whispered, "Harry"

He'd recognise this voice anywhere. His Sev was here. His mind tried to tell him otherwise, saying that his lover wouldn't live long enough should he come back. When he turned around he was surprised to truly see him standing there with an adoring and hungry look in his eyes.

"Sev! I didn't think that you would come here," Harry said and jumped up, ran to his lover and embraced him, "I missed you."

Within seconds their lips found each other and they kissed, both showing the other how much they had been missed. It didn't take long for their hands to go on an exploration trip and even less time for the first skin on skin contact. Both were so enthralled in each other and their passion that neither cared about the robes, shirts, trousers and various other garments that were strewn across the room within minutes.

They only paused for a second, when they were laying on the bed and air became essential. "I never believed that you'd come here, Sev, but you wouldn't believe how glad I am that you're here, with me," Harry said in a near whisper.

Severus watched Harry's face for some seemingly endless seconds before he answered: "How could I leave you here? What with all your bad memories... I needed to be with you. Can't let you deal with them on your own after all, now can I? And maybe you... but that has time."

"I am dealing fine with it, at least with my anger at Dumbledore for allowing it to happen and my own personal revenge on the Dursley's. You might want to join some time. It is getting boring with only Tom as a companion and I don't trust any of the death eaters with them. They might ruin all the fun by being over zealous. I somehow doubt that you came to talk about the letter with me though, now did you?" Harry said.

Severus got a devilish smirk on his face and said, "You're right. I came here to finish what we just started and maybe to stay a little longer."

Having said enough for now, he lowered his face and initiated another passionate kiss. This kiss soon turned into small kisses all over Harry's face. When he had covered every available spot he made his way to lower parts of Harry's body. He spent an equal amount of time toying with each nipple before tracking an imaginary path further down to fuck his lover's navel with his tongue.

His hands soon followed the game by starting to stroke first the outer and then the inner thighs. Meanwhile his mouth travelled further down, toying with Harry's patience encouraged by the moans, gasps and purrs he could get out of his lover and which managed to go straight to his own aching member. He could have gone on forever this way, the long time since their last meeting in which they spent their time on this very same activity making him crave more, made him want to be as close to his love as was possible.

"Got any lube?" Severus said, needing this little thing to be able to fulfil this need. Harry took some time to collect his thoughts before he said, "No lube around here, but in the top drawer should be some pain potion."

Severus reached into the drawer and took the vial out. He pushed the nagging question about why his love needed a pain potion aside to focus on the task at hand. Carefully, not wanting to spill anything, he uncorked the vial and started preparing Harry. When he was finished he quickly coated his own prick and slowly entered his lover. They started at a slow pace which soon got heated up. With hands wandering over each others body, chase kisses here and there as well as the occasional deep kiss it did not take long for them to come close to their peak. Severus reached down to stroke Harry's erection and soon both went over the edge screaming each others name.

Severus rolled aside before he crashed on the younger man settling himself behind his lover, Harry in return cuddled closer and put Severus's arms around him. He gave Harry little kisses to the neck before laid his head back down. A few minutes later both were sleeping peacefully snuggled to each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Before you want to tell me that Harry does not call Pomfrey Poppy. He spends enough time in the medical wing besides that he knows her six long years. In this world I created here I had her offer Harry her first name sometime ago (during his pregnancy).


End file.
